I'm actually not a good human. And Ithink, all humans have their own mistakes. Actually, I rarely write about religious matters on my blog. But somehow, I wrote it this morning, all of a sudden.
The beginning of the year always makes me reflect on everything that I have accomplished. What things have I been through, and how have I been through everything.
In the past, when I didn't believe in God, I really lost everything. My family, friends, even I no longer believe in myself.
I've always looked at the world with a reluctant gaze. I find this world full of unpleasant things. I consider the world to be a temporary hell for humans. I look at everything hatefully.
Get up early, have breakfast, go to school, purposely come home late because I am lazy to talk with my parents, then go into my room, go out to go to tutoring, then go home to study and finally fall asleep. That's the rhythm of my life when I was in high school yesterday.
I don't know what to do, it seems I don't understand the essence of life. Is it like this? School, eat, work, marry if you want, have kids if you're doomed and die in the end? Is that the essence of life?
Being part of a broken home made me grow up on my own. I don't have close friends, because whenever I have friends who I think are close, they will eventually leave too. Either because of each other's business or the other, in the end I still couldn't find friends who really understood me. Being part of a broken home also made me reluctant to tell my parents about everything that happened to me. I just pour it all into diaries or even blogs like this time.
Until one afternoon, I had the intention to end my life by jumping from a height. It is the darkest thing in my life. I thought that if I disappeared, then I would no longer feel the pain of living in this world. I thought that if I disappeared, maybe it was only at the beginning that my parents cried over my departure. But after that, maybe my parents don't think about me anymore. That's what I thought at the time.
Just before I jumped from a height, I suddenly thought of my diary book. A diary book that I always fill with whatever things I want to achieve. The diary that always accompanies me when I cry and complain. I recorded almost everything there.
Just because I hate the world, I don't deserve to die in vain. Just because I am the child of a broken home does not mean that I am also a broken life. Just because all this time I have carried my own burdens without the warmth of my family, doesn't mean I am the most suffering human on earth. Just because I've been hurt a lot, doesn't mean I can't be happy.
I have left my Lord long ago. I forgot that actually living alone is like a playground. We are required to dive into all the available tracks, whether it's scary tracks like a roller coaster or an exciting track like a ball bath ride. Is God asking us to be good at playing them all? I don't think so, God just told us to play and enjoy everything in it. Until that time we will stop playing and then return to His house.
Because humans are small and have nothing, God is present in the midst of humans. Because humans are weak, God is there to strengthen them even though people often don't realize His plan. Because God knows that humans like to complain, God created a religion to follow so that whenever people feel helpless, they can come back to Him.
If not having religion makes people freer then it's their own choice. But for me, religion makes me calmer in the middle of living this completely uncertain life. Believing in God may be my choice because who else should I trust?
Of course, my faith is not perfect. I still often make a lot of mistakes whether on purpose or not. I also often complain when bad things come to me. I'm still not grateful.
And from my experience, I want to remind myself that this is how life is. Not completely happy, nor completely sad. If you want a life that is one hundred percent happy, then just create your own world. Hahaha, just kidding!
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